Where Have You Been Hiding?
Letters for Homecoming I.
By Alex Holmes.
Where Have You Been Hiding?
With most certainty, I could state that most men at one time or another don’t feel lost - they feel invisible.
Not in the dramatic, cinematic sense. Not waving flares in the dark or screaming into the void. But in quieter, subtler ways. In the way a man shrinks into the routine of his life.
In the way he learns to disappear inside his responsibilities. In the way he scrolls endlessly, listens half-heartedly, and loves guardedly.
Not lost. Just... hard to find. Even to himself.
I remember a time when I couldn’t feel my own joy. That was the first warning sign. It wasn’t that I was unhappy exactly.
I had reasons to smile, things to be grateful for, achievements that looked good on paper. But there was a hollowness beneath it all.
I felt like I was watching my life from behind a screen, nodding along to the plot but no longer invested in the character I was playing. That, I realise now, was spiritual homesickness. A quiet grief for the parts of myself I had buried.
I had been hiding. In work. In perfectionism. In performance. In being useful. Because being useful felt safer than being honest.
Most men learn early that emotions are things to be managed, not expressed. That needing support makes you weak. That unless you are fixing something, building something, or pushing through something, you’re wasting time.
So we adapt. We learn how to be helpful. How to be dependable. How to become indispensable to others, while becoming strangers to ourselves.
But invisibility is a slow death.
You can only go so long before the silence you’ve cultivated turns inward and starts asking: Where did you go?
Maybe that’s why I write this now - not as someone with all the answers, but as someone who has felt the ache of forgetting.
The subtle grief of walking through life and realising, I’ve been away from myself far too long.
This is a homecoming.
Not back to who we used to be. But to who we always were beneath the noise.
Journal Prompt
When was the last time you felt fully seen?
Who were you then?
If this resonated, feel free to reply or share.
I’ll be writing more reflections like this through By Alex Holmes.
We’re not alone in this journey. Sometimes, we just need to remember we’re allowed to be found.
Brother, this was absolutely beautiful 😭👏🏽
"I had been hiding. In work. In perfectionism. In performance. In being useful. Because being useful felt safer than being honest."
Hey Alex, this piece landed in that quiet, aching part of me I usually try to ignore. I’ve been sitting with it for a while now, re-reading certain lines like they were written for me, not just by you.
That feeling you described (of watching your own life like a film you’re no longer invested in) I’ve been there. Still am, if I’m honest. I didn’t realise how long I’d been performing usefulness, trying to earn my place in every room by being reliable, productive, “fine.” It’s such a subtle kind of disappearing, isn’t it?
What really got me was that phrase: spiritual homesickness. That sense of being estranged from yourself even while ticking all the boxes. You gave language to something I’ve felt but couldn’t name.
As a fellow Black man (and one who doesn’t have many queer friends to talk through this kind of stuff with) I just want to say thank you. Thank you for creating a space where vulnerability doesn’t feel like exposure, but return.